Clever Pity

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We have all faced failure at some point in our lives. What exactly helps you recover from it? Doing well in another thing? Promises to self that you’ll do better next time? Accepting that this is just not your cup of tea? Analyzing the causes? Blaming it on something or someone? Or something else?

I have found that on most of the occasions after failing myself, what get me out of my bad mood are talks! Either self-talks or talks from a person close to me that reassure me of my abilities and bring back my faith in myself. Sounds healthy, right? Not that easy…

Humans are the most intelligent beings on earth. We are so clever; it shows in all our common habits as a race; our psychological mechanisms. We know just the tricks to protect ourselves from shame, guilt, anxiety, depression and other such negative feelings.

When we do well; when we succeed at something; when we achieve what we wanted to, we take the credit; congratulate ourselves and revel in our glory. But when we let someone down; when we disappoint ourselves; when we fail, we might exaggerate to others or even ourselves how we are unworthy or good-for-nothing or a total disappointment and then find solace in others’ consoling and reaffirming words or our own self-pity. (Oh no, you are not a failure; stop torturing yourself dear, you are a kind/ helpful/ capable/ pleasant/ attractive/ intelligent/ <possessing some other desired quality> person and you could have done it if it wasn’t for <the excuse>)

This is a mechanism to protect our ego and is even healthy in small amounts. However, it is greatly addictive. Pity is a dangerous drug! Because it is so conveniently available, it slowly kills our fear of failure. While that is good for overly anxious people, for others it might mean less motivation to avoid failure! We may unconsciously begin wishing for failure because with that comes this pleasant, pleasant feeling of being pitied and protected from responsibility. Do you think that a person wishing for failure will even try next time? No; and that will lead to more self-pity and so the vicious cycle will begin…

Break it! If you fail despite favourable circumstances, you are the reason. Quit shielding yourself, face the truth, find out what you did wrong and why and work on it next time! Do not take pleasure in others’ reassurances of your capability and soothing sugary talks nor engage in feeling inferior because it conveniently frees you of responsibility. Prove their claims when they praise you and do better next time. And then if you don’t, accept that maybe you cannot, without losing your dignity. It is okay to accept your imperfections but not okay to use them to gain sympathy and pseudo-happiness. Besides, there are always other things to be good at!

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